I Will Respawn - My Decision to Stop Streaming

I am in the process of drafting a cross-game blog post this week. In it are various life lessons reinforced by those games. But I have to remind myself of one in particular: defeat is nothing to be ashamed of. As many know, I am not shy about being honest and transparent about my health and the impact of Fibromyalgia pain on what I do online. This is another such case and centres around a question I’ve had to consider for a long time: What should I do about streaming? I’ll try to make this a quick blog post, but the topic is I Will Respawn.

Current Fight Against Pain

Throughout 2019 the general trend for my Fibromyalgia pain has been it getting worse. Alongside that, I am being treated for high blood pressure, which is likely linked to my pain levels too. I had a doctor’s appointment a couple of weeks ago, where we decided to gradually increase one of my medications. In theory doing so could improve my sleep, which should then improve my pain management. We’ve already more than doubled the dose but it has had no impact whatsoever. My wife agreed with this when I asked her.

More Pain Means Less Capacity

With the increase in felt pain, my ability to be productive has decreased. Hand pain affects my blogging. High pain levels mean I can’t put on a show due to concentration, or because ‘pain voice’ affects my delivery. This has stalled my ability (and confidence) to make videos for YouTube and stopped me from streaming. I had hoped the increased dosage of meds could reverse that trend, but it wasn’t to be. I am having to rest a lot more, be on Twitter less and reduce my expectations of ‘work’.

Indefinitely Temporarily Stop Streaming

I have already informed the LOTROstream team of this. I am indefinitely stopping trying to stream. But I’m giving myself hope that next year I could try again. Hence indefinitely temporarily stopping streaming. I’m in too much pain, too tired or emotionally not strong enough for it. This applies to my own channel too.

A huge thank you to the LOTROstream team for having given me stream slot, and for their patience and understanding. It has been a real honour to be on the team so I am very grateful.

I hope to stream again in the future – hence I Will Respawn – I just have no idea when that may happen.

Summary of Stuff I Won’t Be Doing

1. Streaming on LOTROstream any more
2. No more Streaming on FibroJedi
3. I will be closing my FJ goodies shop. The reasons are: to get any profit, I feel prices have to be too high for buyers. And no one’s buying because I’m not streaming, so it’s best if I just close it.
4. I will only occasionally be on my Discord Server. My reason for this is because sometimes I feel like I “should” play a particular game, or people may judge me based on my gaming balance. It’s total tosh of course, but by not being visibly online in Discord gives my brain a break from itself.

What Will I Be Doing?

Pretty much all the things I currently do:

• Blog Posts and Guides: I can usually write when in bad pain, so my blog plan should be roughly on track still. I will be adding to my beginners guides and SWTOR blog posts, creating new Deed maps for LOTRO and, of course, keeping my LOTRO Event Guides up to date.
• LOTRO Videos: This may have to wait another month depending on doctors trying another test with my meds. But I hope to get back to recording my LOTRO Warden videos for my YouTube Channel soon-ish
• Carefully Managed Twitter: More pain means I can’t multi-task as well as I used to. So I’ll be trying to be on Twitter slightly less. This will help me better focus on a blog post, or gaming for relaxation, or family time.
• Creative Writing: By not feeling like I have to do a gazillion things, I hope to get more time to work on my fantasy writing.
• Resting: I just don’t have the mental strength right now to do lots of things. So if I go quiet for a day that’s no Sunday, it’s because I can’t face doing all the things. I need to prioritise rest more than I used to.

Thanks to All

This year has been so, so difficult. My Fibromyalgia Symptoms are just out of control most days, we’re adjusting to new family routines and my Mum is now in a care home. But, where many local people had been friends in the past and have now moved on in life, friends on Twitter and in all three of my MMOs have stayed around. People show me and my family support in myriad ways – please know I am very grateful.

I Will Respawn

Let’s just hope the doctors can advise something, anything, that could help me next year. I don’t want to shut the streaming door forever, so I hope that #IWillRespawn after this defeat. While I am alive, the future can change. But right now, I just need to live day to day.

May the Spoons Be With You.